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Friday, February 16, 2018

Mindful Journal Day 44

There was this Pinterest pin I found the other day which got me thinking: Am I a Multi Tasker or Single Task kind of girl?

I would consider myself a bit of both because as of this writing I am focused on writing this entry while listening to a mukbang video by Stephanie Soo - and its making me hungry though!!!

So yeah..its making me crazy though that I am thinking about this but are there people like that? Single Task people?

In this day and age multi tasking is really the way people do things. I can say I do that as well because of the limited time, we tend to spread ourselves too thin to the point that we have to do two things at the same time.

But most people crash eventually if that happens. And it has happened to me so many times. I normally would just shut everything down when I feel that it is too much for me. I feel too pressured to do something that I am not particularly comfortable with.

There was one time that I was tasked to do something at home which was to basically clean the whole house on my own as a form of punishment from my parents because I sneaked out one time.

Due to pressure of not knowing where to start, I actually cried for 2 hours because I was so afraid to do something bad to our house because I am not that domesticated when I was younger.

Later on, my mom just told me to clean out my closet because I had too much clothes that I need to get rid some of them.

My mom actually thought I cried to get out of the punishment but to be honest I wasn't acting it out. I was that afraid to clean our house because my mom has a very specific standard in cleaning and it was also very systematical that I would rather be buried alive than do what she does back then.

Nowadays, I can actually do those but I am too busy for it so can say I am a lazy bum haha!

I will make a separate article about this because its quite weird but helpful as well because it can lessen your stress hormones if you don't pack too much into your schedule with this method.

Wish me luck!

Much Love
xx Alice

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Mindful Journal Day 43

I was browsing on some random Facebook page when I thought to myself: What if I buy a couple of contact lenses because I missed them? Would that be fun?

I guess so...I remember my fascination with contact lenses were from anime series that I've watched.

I love seeing girls with different eye colors and I hoped to get them too.

I might save up some money for that. I might buy myself a couple of circle lens just in case I need some fun in my life.

I can't really think of anything today which is weird. Is it because it is Valentines?

I just shiver at the thought that today was supposed to be the first Valentines I might have spent with my now ex-boyfriend.

Yes. I am still being bitter about it.

I am not bitter about the break up but rather the things we could've done together. But a lot of people have told me that it was for the better if he was just not into the relationship as I was with him.

I tried my very best to be as cordial to all the couples I've seen today. I just didn't want to ruin today to them as it is about a day of love.

I did sent out Valentine greetings to my friends...and to a few exes that I was in good terms with.

Which is odd because one of them was already married with two kids and the wife was the same woman he told me he was in love with when we broke up. This was for another story time for sure.

Oh boy...the bitterness in my soul is starting to boil up again. 

I gotta go. I might say bad stuff after this. I prefer to end this on a happy note.

Happy Valentines girls and guys!

Much Love
xx Alice

Mindful Journal Day 42

I've told myself that after my recent break up that I will change. But how can I change if my heart is not ready for it?

I have started doing meditation again to lessen my anxiety. It makes me feel better whenever I meditate which is oddly fascinating because as much as I love to focus on myself, I unconsciously think of others first but when I meditate I just let myself free.

A lot of my friends have told me that it would be best if I just focus myself first and not look for a partner...which is weird because is that the vibe I give out to people?

Am I unconsciously telling people that I want to be in a relationship now? 

To be quite honest, I am hoping to be in a relationship with this guy that I have been talking to lately, but it turns out that he was just interested in getting laid. I was thankful that my instinct were right.

There are men out there who prey on women that are still broken from a recent break up so they can get laid.

Its a sad reality that nowadays being in a relationship means that you have to do it before you actually have to be in one.

I won't act highly in saying that I don't like that but I just don't think that is the sole basis of getting into a relationship.

If someone will be interested in me again, I would like it if they are interested in ME, not what is under my lingerie.

I would like to take things know like having coffee and just talking mindlessly, enjoying the tranquility of just knowing they are physically there.

I wish to meet someone like that, a man who would make me feel beautiful even if I feel my worst, a man who I can just hug and he will smile as if he knew what happened without saying a thing. I hope to meet a man that will love me even if I grow bigger along with my heart as we spend a lot of time together.

I hope to meet you when I am ready.

But for now, I think I just had to sleep and dream of the day you will arrive.

Much Love
xx alice

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Mindful Journal Day 22-41

I am supposed to do this daily, but I can't. I am still trying to maintain this because I promised myself that I will do this as often as possible.

Lately I have been extremely tired. I just wanted to lay down my bed and just sleep.

I am not sick but I just missed doing nothing.

I missed not having an agenda for the day, I miss just enjoying staring blankly at the sky as if seeing the clouds change its form before my eyes.

I miss myself. 

I have always had a weird fascination with the clouds. I like seeing them form shapes in my head and just move slowly. I remember when I was a child that I wanted to be a cloud which is weird i know so don't judge me.

But as we grow older, those things change. We get responsibilities as we get older we may like it or not. I felt shackled with a constant fear of seeing my life being handled by other people.

I just wanted to live. I just wanted to feel alive.

The other night I just started crying out of the blue. Nothing really happened but I felt a very strong strike in my chest which was unnervingly real to my physical body and I just started crying.

Its painful to even think of this incident because no one knew that I was like being stabbed by an invisible knife to the chest as if it was looking for my heart to finally end my misery.

The pain in my chest did subside eventually and now I know why. I have been under constant stress lately which lead me to eating excessively as well.

One of the things that made me so stressed out is the constant bickering me and my now ex boyfriend have been having lately. We finally ended the relationship and somehow I felt relieved.

I should be sad right now but odd that I don't feel pain from the break up. I know we have broken up prior to this, but today was just something else.

I just felt free from the misery I was supposed to call a relationship.

I will tell you more about him on my upcoming posts once I get over this euphoric feeling that I am free. I supposed I am still in that state where I am also in denial that we broke up and its just a phase but another side of my brain was saying ' this is final, you don't need this in your life right now'

I might get a proper night of rest tonight if the stars are aligned right.
Much Love!
xx Alice

Friday, February 9, 2018

2018 Life Goals

I know I should've posted this at the beginning of the year but give me a break okay? Life has been beating me lately which made me realize I should really get my act together at least for once. 

So here are my 5 Life Goals for 2018.
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