Today is a very special but lonesome day for me since today is my Papa's birthday. Unfortunately he is not with us anymore since he was taken away last 2010 due to complications with his illness.
It pains me to think that he is not with us anymore. My memories with my dad is still fresh that even his face is still intact in my brain even though that he is gone for almost 3 years now.
Losing someone very important to you is hard to accept but still life has to go on. I remember just dreading for the days to go on when each holiday would pass without him there. He was supposed to be 65 today.
I think I've made blogging part of my moving on process without him in my life. If you ask me not having him in my life is harder than dealing with a tough break up or a head injury.
It seems pretty weird of me just holding on to simple memories of my dad like his shirt, his scent, and the memory when he tells me to get off his bed when its time to sleep. My mom doesn't know that one reason I stay up late is hoping I'll be able to feel my dad's presence in the middle of the night like he used to when he wants me to go to bed.
I also think that he is just watching over my shoulder when I'm at my desktop checking out what websites I am on or when he wants to know what's the latest trend.
I miss him lots.
I really do.
I don't know why on his birthday I feel like I am very somber to the point that I want to cry but the waterworks just won't give in to my request.
I think time has told me that crying wouldn't solve it anymore and I have to man up with the rougher roads ahead. I think that is also how my papa would like me to do.
|Back in 2009 during my graduation.|
I know you are up there with our creator. I miss you so much and I regret picking fights with you over petty things. I also miss how you would cook dinner and the two of us would fight over the sauce of your famous pancit. I can't tell you how much shocked I am when I found out your biggest secret, but I didn't become angry when I found that out because you kept it to give me a good life and not have spite in you.
I think with you passing made a hole in my heart that even if Mama re-marries (which she will NEVER do) would not be filled up. I miss you lots Papa. I wish I could hug you again and tell you how much I love all the things you did for me to be like this.
I may not be the perfect daughter, but I am still your little girl who you always fool to get to sleep in the afternoon so you could also get your afternoon siesta without thinking where I am at. I still have lots of unanswered questions in my head about your life that I was not able to hear from those closer around you, but I guess I will have to ask you those questions once we meet up there.
I hope you are not drinking San Mig Light there because as far as I know bawal ang beer sa langit Pa.
I miss you and I love you Pa...Happy Birthday.
Your chubby lovely daughter,